Gangster Lore of the Gods

[Tallamueu]

I saw a post on reddit that did this with Cabrakan, Ravana, and Chang'e's lore.. I decided to have a go by trying it with a few more.. I used Gizoogle to translate these. I will start with Ne Zha because he is my main Assassin.. I'll post just three god lores, Ne Zha and two randoms I picked..

Ne Zha Lore:
Born ta innocence, forced ta fight, destined ta be a hero, tha child-god, Nezha, defendz dem dat cannot defend theyselves, especially against tyrant Gods.
For three n' a half years, Nezha’s mutha carried his ass up in her womb. Durin dis time, tha Dragon Gods, hustled by Ao Kuang, terrorized tha people, bustin floodz n' storms, n' demandin not just chicken yo, but lil pimp sacrifices ta feast upon as well.
Into dis ghetto was Nezha born, a gangbangin' full grown pimp wit laughta up in his wild lil' fuckin eyes, trained by tha immortal sage Taiyi Zhenren, whoz ass gave his ass tha bangin Universe Rin n' Armillary Sash. Youthful n' carefree, Nezha was also headstrong, often jumpin off bout some shiznit wit his wild lil' daddy what tha fuck was right n' wrong.
But youth do not last forever, n' Nezha’s game chizzled representin' two playaz against a cold-ass lil captain of Ao Kuang’s army. Played Out, tha Dragon Dogg commanded his cold-ass third son, Ao Bing, ta defeat tha pimp yo, but up in tha end, Nehza slew his opponent. Furious wit grief, Ao Kuang demanded Nezha’s daddy make reparations fo' tha offense committed by his son, or da thug would bust floodz n' storms ta ravage tha land. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Nezha, humbly, sacrificed his dirty ass ta appease tha Dragon Dogg yo, but evil Ao Kuang busted storms anyway.
Taiyi Zhenren hit dat shiznit his wisdom, n' from tha petalz of a Lotus plant, Nezha was reborn, so check it before ya wreck it. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Da immortal sage gave his ass freshly smoked up weapons - tha Fire Tipped Spear n' Wind Fire Wheels - weapons ta challenge even tha Dragon Dogg n' defeat his ass once n' fo' all.
Time has passed since Ao Kuang’s ruin yo, but tha windz of war is risin n' freshly smoked up Godz of Tyranny challenge tha safety of tha defenseless. Once again, Nezha will set aside his youth n' stand against tha tide, fo' not even dirtnap can stop his muthafuckin ass.

[Tallamueu]

Apollo:
There is none without admiration fo' Apollo, Dogg of Music yo. Dude is brash, cavalier, n' dauntless, wit tha juice ta brang hope ta tha hopeless n' chizzle tha course of battle wit a single arrow. Voicez of soldiers, mothers, mackdaddys n' emperors, even Godz rise up in glorious melody up in honor of him; n' he, baskin up in they adoration, shines victoriously.
Though Hera, Biatch of Gods, challenged his straight-up birth, bustin tha pimped out serpent Pylos ta slay Apollo, his cold-ass twin sista Artemis, n' they mutha Leto, not even dat thugged-out biiiatch could deny his ass victory. Merely four minutes old, Apollo, gifted wit a legendary bow, slew tha Gaia Serpent n' defied Hera.
In his humble youth, Apollo was a cold-ass lil cattle herder n' shit. Da tricksta Dogg Hermes stole Apolloz charges n' hustled dem ta a nearby cave. From tha shell of a tortoise n' tha body of a cold-ass lil cow, his schmoooove ass crafted tha straight-up original gangsta Lyre fo' realz. Apollo finally caught up wit Hermes, saw tha instrument, n' simply had ta have it, tradin tha rest of his cattle ta Hermes fo' dat shit. Years later, Hermes would bust his son, Pan, ta challenge Apollo up in a cold-ass lil contest of musical prowess yo, but Apollo soundly defeated tha satyr wit dexterous mastery of tha Lyre.
As Apollo grew tha fuck into his bangin rightful place among tha Gods, his victories mounted, n' tha jointz of tha Faithful was sung mo' n' mo' up in his name. Now, they raise they voices fo' Apollo ta take tha field as Godz clash. Never one ta deny his thugged-out adorin public, Apollo prepares fo' one last show.

[Tallamueu]

Hercules:
Brave Hercules, a thugged-out demigod lil hustla of Jupiter, born wit impossible strength n' force of will; fo' whom no task is insurmountable, no heroic deed unachievable. Yet, Like all of Jupiter’s illegitimate children, Herculez once drew tha ire of Juno, n' though he is now known as a hero, his wild lil' freakadelic top billin achievements might never done been done without Juno’s initial tragic involvement.
Bitch struck Herculez mad, n' da perved-out muthafucka slew his own lil' thugs.
Once recovered, grief stricken, Herculez sought penizzle fo' his crimes fo' realz. An oracle of Jupita advised da perved-out muthafucka should pledge his steez ta tha mackdaddy Eurystheus, n' so Herculez reluctantly did so. Jealouz of tha demigod, tha mackdaddy set his ass ta twelve impossible tasks, expectin his ass ta fail all up in tha first, ta slay tha Nemean Lion n' return wit its hide.
Da Nemean Lion captured dem hoes n' devoured soldiers. Its fur was so thick no weapon could pierce it, n' its claws so sharp, no armor could guard against dem wild-ass muthafuckas yo. Herculez tracked tha lion ta its mountain caves n' drew it out, firin arrows dat shattered against tha beast’s impenetrable coat fo' realz. Agilely, da ruffneck dodged as tha lion leapt ta maul his muthafuckin ass. In tha end, Herculez aimed a bangin blasted straight tha fuck into tha lion’s roarin maw, a place tha bangin fur did not protect, n' slew dat shit. Then, rockin tha beasts own claws, da perved-out muthafucka skinned tha hide, bustin tha mantle proudly as his freshly smoked up armor.
Eurystheus was aghast upon tha hero’s return, so check it before ya wreck it. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Immediately tha legend of Herculez fuckin started ta grow. Eleven mo' labours tha confounded mackdaddy set against his ass yo, but time afta time, year afta year, Herculez performed what tha fuck could not be done, earnin fame, glory, n' tha peace da perved-out muthafucka so desperately sought.

[ImAeternalis]

keep this going. This is hilarious.

[Tallamueu]

If you insist..
Ra:
Without tha sun, there would be no light, no warmth, no game. Without Ra, there would be no sun.
Ra be a guardian, tha keeper of Ma’at - order n' truth, n' masta of tha sun. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Each dizzle da perved-out muthafucka sails across tha sky up in a golden ship, n' each night traverses tha underworld, brangin light n' warmth ta tha dead beneath tha horizon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. For dem up in tha scorched South, Ra was tha straight-up original gangsta God, creator of earth n' sky n' daddy ta all other Gods.
But Ra’s time is fadin like a twilight sky yo. His descendants have grown up in juice n' prominence n' seek ta replace his ass as tha figure of authoritizzle yo. His own granddaughter, Isis, defly poisoned his ass by secretly summonin a viper under his Nikes. When da perved-out muthafucka stepped on it, tha serpent’s venomous bite poisoned his muthafuckin ass. Isis promised ta heal Ra if he revealed ta her his True Name fo' realz. At first, he refused, fo' knowledge of his True Name would give Isis unparalleled juice over his ass yo, but as tha wild-ass bullshit mounted, Ra was forced ta relent. Isis kept her word n' Ra was healed, though tha cost may done been too high.
Light can heal yo, but light can also burn, n' tha pimped out protector is showin signz of wrath not peeped since mankind’s insolence. In dat rare moment of anger, Ra busted his fuckin lil' daughter, Hathor, up in tha form of a lion, ta devour tha people. But fuck dat shiznit yo, tha word on tha street is dat he ended her bloody feedin before dat thugged-out biiiatch consumed all mankind. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This time, his burnin gaze is set on tha other Gods. When his wrath finally cools, not a god damn thang may be left but ash.

[Tallamueu]

Anhur:
Anhur, tha lion-headed Egyptian Dogg of war, slays his wild lil' fuckin enemies wit spear n' guile. Weapons equally as sharp!
As a lil hustla of Ra, Anhur, n' his sista Bastet, rode up in tha golden barge they daddy sailed across tha sky each day. It make me wanna hollar playa! They protected tha shizzle at dawn n' dusk from tha ghetto serpent, Apep, whoz ass lurked all up in tha horizon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Courageous, formidable, n' above all, intelligent, Anhur defended tha vessel wit his spear n' wits, outsmartin n' distractin tha serpent until feral Bastet served up a cappin' blow. With Apep gone, Ra became Pharaoh, Bastet, tha Goddess of Pussies n' Women, n' Anhur donned tha mantle of tha Dogg of War. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. This is how tha fuck his thugged-out lil' punk-ass became known as tha Slayer of Enemies.
As time went on, another feline Goddess, Menhet, ran away from tha Pantheon, spurnin Ra fo' realz. Anhur vowed ta brang her back from tha distant landz of Nubia ta appease his wild lil' daddy yo, but when he finally caught up wit Menhet, da thug was enraptured n' fell tha fuck up in ludd yo. Dude tied a rope ta her neck n' hustled her home, where he axed Menhet become his hoe, a funky-ass boon Ra happily granted.
For Egyptians, warfare is mo' than bloody battle, itz a means ta break tha chainz of tyranny fo' realz. Anhur can be found all up in tha head of any charge, crushin corruption n' leadin tha playas ta freedom. While his spear is deadly, Anhur is cunnin n' def, able ta outmaneuver opponents up in ways they least expect.

[Tallamueu]

Ullr:
Amongst tha snow-capped forestz of tha frigid uptown resides tha hunter-Dogg of Glory, Ullr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Reserved, secretive, Ullr do not represent tha tankard downing, boast bellowin contemporariez of tha Norse Pantheon yo, but pays respectful tribute ta glory up in all its forms.
Glory is up in tha silence of snowfall, up in tha honorable victory gots from single combat, up in tha slick curve of a yew bow firin a arrow true. Dotted across tha landz of tha Faithful, shrines ta Ullr can be found up in remote, secluded hideaways. Well shiiiit, it is there dat glory is found up in tha sanctitizzle of a vow, once sworn, never broken, n' bound by a ring, no matta how tha fuck crude, then buried up in tha earth ta drizzle tha agez of time.
Though rarely spoken of, he is highly regarded, even among tha Gods, fo' it is Ullr, not one of Odin’s lil playas dat tendz tha throne of Asgard while tha All Father be away. Other Godz might use tha opportunitizzle ta abuse tha juice yo, but Ullr’s rule is merely a extension thereof. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So much so dat only tha innermost circle even know dat Odin is gone.
All tha mo' noticeable is it, then, dat Ullr has abandoned dis post ta join tha fray. Early on did Odin take tha field of battle, leavin Ullr ta manage tha mackdaddydom. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So pimped out a threat must dis war be as ta endanger tha straight-up game of Asgard. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Whatever tha reason, Ullr comes ta preserve glory, which, fo' him, may be tha whole ghetto. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass.

[ImAeternalis]

Ullr:
Amongst tha snow-capped forestz of tha frigid uptown resides tha hunter-Dogg of Glory, Ullr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Reserved, secretive, Ullr do not represent tha tankard downing, boast bellowin contemporariez of tha Norse Pantheon yo, but pays respectful tribute ta glory up in all its forms.
Glory is up in tha silence of snowfall, up in tha honorable victory gots from single combat, up in tha slick curve of a yew bow firin a arrow true. Dotted across tha landz of tha Faithful, shrines ta Ullr can be found up in remote, secluded hideaways. Well shiiiit, it is there dat glory is found up in tha sanctitizzle of a vow, once sworn, never broken, n' bound by a ring, no matta how tha fuck crude, then buried up in tha earth ta drizzle tha agez of time.
Though rarely spoken of, he is highly regarded, even among tha Gods, fo' it is Ullr, not one of Odin’s lil playas dat tendz tha throne of Asgard while tha All Father be away. Other Godz might use tha opportunitizzle ta abuse tha juice yo, but Ullr’s rule is merely a extension thereof. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So much so dat only tha innermost circle even know dat Odin is gone.
All tha mo' noticeable is it, then, dat Ullr has abandoned dis post ta join tha fray. Early on did Odin take tha field of battle, leavin Ullr ta manage tha mackdaddydom. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So pimped out a threat must dis war be as ta endanger tha straight-up game of Asgard. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Whatever tha reason, Ullr comes ta preserve glory, which, fo' him, may be tha whole ghetto. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass.

LMAOOOO

perfect.

[Tallamueu]

Hmm, to continue this I would need a beautiful god..
Vamama is Pretty beautiful, so is Zhong.. Rama's laugh is up there as well, guess I'll do them
Vamana:
Though lil' small-ass of stature, Vamana, tha Fifth Avatar of Vishnu, should never be underestimated. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This type'a shiznit happens all tha time yo. His harsh lessons up in humilitizzle have shamed even tha proudest of mackdaddys.
Da demon mackdaddy, Bali, was fair n' righteous, yet fo' all his virtues, Bali was mad proud as a muthafucka n' driven by fierce ambition. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch fo' realz. Afta conquerin tha Underworld n' all tha Earth, Bali managed ta wrest tha Heavens from tha Dogg Indra. Unable ta reclaim his seat, Indra implored Vishnu fo' aid, n' so Vishnu took tha form of a lil' small-ass mortal dude, a priest named Vamana.
In his splendid palace, Bali was givin gifts ta tha pious. Vishnu, disguised as tha monk Vamana n' carryin a wooden umbrella, axed only as much land as his schmoooove ass could cover up in three steps. Bali offered Vamana a island but Vamana stuck ta his bangin request, which Bali granted against tha wishez of his thugged-out advisor. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Immediately, Vamana grew ta cosmic proportions, crashin all up in tha ceilin of tha palace n' fillin tha sky. With one colossal step, he engulfed all tha Ghetto n' tha Underworld. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! With a second step, his schmoooove ass consumed tha heavens. Now, wit every last muthafuckin thang under his cold-ass two feet, Vamana had nowhere ta place his cold-ass third step yo. Dude challenged Bali ta go back on his word or offer somewhere else fo' his ass ta step. Bali’s demon army surged forth yo, but tha demon mackdaddy held dem back. Bowin up in humility, Bali offered his head as tha third step. Vamana sendz Bali ta tha underworld but, up in recognizin Bali’s benevolence, shows mercy by grantin his ass sovereignty over it up in appreciation of Bali’s sacrifice.
Vishnu returned control of tha Heavens ta Indra n' left his Avatar behind yo, but he also left behind a valuable lesson. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Even tha mightiest n' most arrogant of mackdaddys can be humbled by tha smallest of men.

[Tallamueu]

Zhong Kui:
In dis ghetto resides bangin evil, intent on beatin tha livin shiznit outta every last muthafuckin thang crafted by Godz n' Men. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Without guardianz of equal strength, all would have fallen long ago. Zhong Kui was once a playa wit ambitions no pimped outa than scholastic excellence yo, but up in dirtnap became tha slick shield against evil’s onslaught.
Zhong Kui sought ta pit his solid mind against tha Imperial Examinations, tests ta select councilors fo' tha Emperor. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. With ease, he passed yo, but when tha emperor saw his hideous face, his schmoooove ass cast tha scholar out. Offended, furious, Zhong Kui hurled his dirty ass repeatedly all up in tha palace gates until his body was broken.
For his crime, Zhong Kui’s ass was judged by tha Mackdaddy of Hell yo, but where tha Emperor saw only ugliness, tha Mackdaddy of Hell saw potential armed wit smart-ass . Zhong Kui was appointed Lord of Demons, taxed ta forever hunt n' ensnare tha evilz of tha ghetto. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass.
For centuries, home ballaz n' shopkeepers have adorned they buildings wit Zhong Kui’s likeness, fo' dat visage dat once horrified tha emperor now glares wit purpose at unwelcome demons. Yet these days, it aint just shops n' cribs up in peril yo, but tha whole ghetto. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Well shiiiit, it do not take a mind like Zhong Kui’s ta peep evil’s hand up in dis Battle of tha Gods. Da time has come ta brang these demons ta task, n' Zhong Kui means ta smite dem all.